"it's bwoken"

If you're friends with me on facebook...you already know that this weekend we said good-bye to Emma's "paci." In doing so, I'm not kidding, Friday was probably one of the hardest days I have had so far as a mom. I'm sorry, but the truth is, everyone who said, "It's going to be easier than you think" was wrong...or they just don't know Em. Mind you, some of the habits Emma aquired and how attached she had become to her "paci" were on me so I'm not trying to shirk the blame here, but boy oh boy, it was a hard day in the Hoekstra house on Friday. It all started shortly after she woke up when I got out the scissors. The mistake I made was doing the snipping in front of her...I didn't realize how traumatizing it would be. Well I snipped her "paci" and she LOST it. Not only was it broken...but I BROKE it. I felt like a horrible mom. So I just tossed the others in the garbage because at this point it was cold turkey or not at all. And knowing myself like I do, I brought the trash outside and threw the whole bag in the bottom of the dumpster. And let me tell you...I've never before so seriously considered dumbster diving!

I took this picture around 4:30 on Friday. No nap. Beyond tired, sad girl. Exhausted mama. I babysat our neighbor kids that night, and Emma passed exhaustion and became this wired child I hardly recognized. But, on the plus side, I think she was distracted and having fun with her friends! They left around 9, I turned all the lights off in the house, and we attempted bed time. Unsuccessfully for quite a while. For a solid 30 minutes Emma rolled around the front room, flailing and screaming. I layed her down on the floor because I didn't know what else to do with her. Finally I picked her up and started walking around with her and whispering Psalm 23 in her ear over and over. For me, just as much as for her. I slowly felt her begin to relax, the whimpering subsided and she finally gave in to sleep. It has been a while since she fell asleep in my arms! So after the day we had, I just enjoyed it for a moment and even then, thanked Jesus for my beautiful, health girl and prayed that he would give me strength to be a good mom...

And then I engaged in major - Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappacino Ice Cream - therapy.

It sounds rediculous, but for a moment on Friday I found myself thinking, oh my goodness, she's never going to nap again. Nothing broke my heart more than knowing I had a part in ripping my daughter's biggest form of security from her - even though I KNEW that I was doing the right thing for her and this too would pass. Saturday was much better. She gave in to a nap after about 25 minutes of crying, and slept through the night without waking up. The nap was a bit more challenging yesterday (Sundays are hard anyways, no?!) but she didn't cry last night when we put her to bed and slept through the night again. Praise the Lord! She DID lay in bed jabbering for about 45 minutes...but there is indeed a light at the end of this tunnel.

Sometimes, it's just plain hard to do the right thing as parents. And here I am talking about taking away a pacifier - I know it's a stretch, but can you imagine how God must have felt even though He KNEW that sending His Son to the cross was the right thing for his children. From the heart of a Father - it must have been an impossible decision.